The static

I’ve spent the better part of my 34 years of life on Earth struggling to live with myself. I mostly don’t mean this in a self-loathing or suicidal sense, though there were some brief moments of actual self hatred when I was younger.

Instead...
I’m talking about being bombarded by the nagging negative critic that lives inside my head.
I'm talking about constantly caving to the pervasive feeling that I somehow started off "bad" and will have to work my whole lifetime just to reverse that fact.
I'm talking about steadily searching for the childlike wonder and joy that I deprived myself of when I was an actual kid.
I'm talking about forever failing to be comfortable in my identity as nothing more or less than how I exist right here, right now (and failing to understand who and what that even is).

I'll call this the static.

Now, it's fair to say that some of this is regular ol' coming-of-age stuff. Most of us are flooded with hormones as preteens and never quite come down from that until our brains finish developing in our late 20s or early 30s. But almost as many of us deal with deeper dilemmas... the static.

The static is what nearly 1 in 4 adults in the U.S. struggle with; I'm talking about mental health conditions. But I'm also talking about the harder-to-name battles many of the other 3 in 4 American adults are fighting. This group of people, while they may not self-identify (or medically qualify) as struggling with mental health conditions, silently "power through" similar obstacles. In short, I know I'm not facing the static alone.

One of the first serious ways I tried to quiet the static was going to therapy. It was uncomfortable to start and it was hard for me to gauge its effectiveness. Was therapy working? If so, how would I know? Was the static subsiding?

But then came the writing.

The first poem I wrote for this book arrived in December of 2020, about three months after I began seeing my therapist.

The first poem

Over 5 years later, Still Green remains the most deeply personal and purely effortless poem I've written.

I was sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a middle-of-nowhere Airbnb, early one cold morning. I tipped forward and backward in a slow, but persistent motion. I stared off into the frozen hills that piled on top of one another for miles and miles. My breath caught abruptly and my throat tightened as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I spoke the question out loud: "How is it still green?"

This piece — and the feeling that washed over me as I spoke it — is the first glimpse of unadulterated love I've ever felt for myself. For once, I saw something innocent inside. I wasn't striving for, fleeing from, or wishing away anything. I was fully alive and vehemently thankful to be so.

Beginning in that moment, and continuously since then, this book has been stirring — unfolding.

My first book

Still Green helped me believe that it was possible to overcome the static. To silence the critic, to dispel the self-appointed "badness," to stop the searching, and to finally just be. The overwhelming peace I caught sight of sitting in the rocking chair that morning fueled a years-long journey of work toward more mental stability. This pursuit has required me to reach deep inside myself in order to learn and accept who I am.

That journey is what While Away documents.

The meaning behind the title

The title for this book came about unexpectedly. As the pieces of poetry for it came to me, I began to notice a pattern. Almost all my epiphanies, breakthroughs, and poetry writing happened when I was traveling — or while "away."

While Away also captures the spirit in which I hope people can experience this book. I want readers to feel welcomed into the same state of calm that I often slip into while writing it. When you sit down to read this book (or small parts of it as they are finished here), imagine that time simply dissolves, even if briefly. Give yourself permission to sit with the feelings that come up and imagine yourself being transported to the locations mentioned in the book. If you can do this, before you realize it, you'll have been whiling away for hours.

The format

Here's what I know so far: While Away will be made up of four parts, plus a prologue and epilogue. (That's the plan for now, at least.) Each part will begin with an opening of long form writing, followed by several poems, each of which will be accompanied by several photos of mine. The parts will each follow a theme, or a style of emotional processing that took place throughout its poems and photos.

How is this going to work?

• Location — While Away will take shape over time on my website, at bennybowden.com/while-away.
• Timing — I plan to finish the first draft of the book by the end of this year. To achieve that, I'll be making updates on a consistent basis.
• Order — The pieces and parts of While Away will most definitely not be finished in any particular order.
• Updates — Tweaks and additions will be made to the book continuously. I'll send periodic updates like this one to let you know what's new, what's changed, and pull back the curtain on my process. (Don't worry, you won't be notified every time a change is made, but you might find a new photo or an edit to a poem if you pop in at random.)
• Access — The full book and behind-the-scenes updates will only be available to Members and Founding Members. Readers (my name for free subscribers) will have access to only the Prologue and Part 1. You can become a member here.

It's available now!

Today the first poem, Still Green, and it's photos are live. You'll also see the structure of the book beginning taking shape. Please enjoy it, and remember to take your time.

What comes next?

Today marks the start of my first book coming to life. After I complete the first draft of While Away, I plan to edit, self-publish, print, and officially release it to the world!

Many exciting milestones lie ahead — likely some I don't even know about yet. I have lots of ideas and plans already brewing in my head, but I'm doing my best to stay focused on each small step.

I am deeply grateful for every bit of your support, and I really wish you could understand how excited giddy I am to be doing this together with you.