There are many memes about how millennials "killed the doorbell industry" by texting "here" instead. Or how they hate getting calls out of the blue, without a text first.

I can relate.

I struggle to keep up with text messages, social media, email, physical mail, phone calls, scheduling appointments... the list goes on. There is something so overwhelming about the access it feels like everyone in the world has to me. I dread the fact that — at any moment — someone can knock on my metaphorical door, unannounced. In an instant, I'm on the hook to respond, with no say in the matter.

I currently have 168 unread text messages. Talk about text debt! (And that's still nowhere near my record.) There are emails — even from people responding to MY OWN NEWSLETTER from years ago — that never got a response from me. Certain inboxes (like Facebook Messenger) are absolute dumpster fires. Things have fallen through the cracks everywhere, and I've just learned to live with that.

Given that kind of track record, it may come as a surprise to you that I'm great at professional communication! I chirp away with coworkers on Slack, every workday, almost constantly from 9-to-5. I am lorded over by a calendar that I pay my respects to each Monday through Friday morning, checking in to learn what my duties are for the day.

My Sisyphean battle with personal communication is not because I don't want to communicate with my loved ones. It's quite the opposite: I want to invest in my relationships so badly that I overcomplicate the entire process until I'm paralyzed. I've heard this called the Avoidance Shame Spiral (or A.S.S. — what an acronym). Then, the resulting loneliness and modern seclusion (which can occasionally dip into depression) seems to perpetuate the entire cycle, further exacerbating the problem.

I'm not convinced this is a lost cause. And I certainly don't want to discourage my friends, family, and acquaintances from reaching out.

One of my longest-running friends knows almost too well how "bad I am at texting." She (being a best friend and all) is so understanding, and has just the perfect amount of persistence to get through to me when I'm at my lowest. Since we don't live in the same city, she works hard to keep a texting relationship alive between our in-person visits, and that is itself a powerful form of love. Still, I hate that this is the reputation I've created for myself with her, and I work hard to combat it. But I've learned that brute force isn't a good solution either.

The following are a few things I've found that help me handle my overflowing inboxes:

1. Being gentle with myself is the only way to have any chance of waking up every day and facing the deluge of impending back-and-forths.
2. Something simple that "pushes the ball forward" is often a perfectly fine response. Most of my relationships don't really have an end goal, so when I treat them like a destination-less marathon (or something else that's essentially never-ending, but also pleasing to take part in), it helps.
3. I can't believe I'm saying this, but being quick to respond has been a game changer for me. The longer a message sits, the lower the chances of me ever getting back to it.
4. Sometimes, it's okay not to respond. I'm getting better at finding natural closes to conversations and giving myself grace to ignore some emails and random friends sending random TikToks (but please, don't stop sending random TikToks).

When I first started writing this piece, I considered making a commitment to respond to every comment or email reply on posts I make here, moving forward. But for one, that's contradictory to item #4 above; and for two, I'm not a fan of performative displays of will power. Instead, I invite you to reach out any time you feel that impulse — and what I can promise is that I will read it and find the best way to push the ball forward.

In a beautiful letter, Hanif Abdurraqib said this to his frequent poetry collaborator, Eve L. Ewing:

"We are so much more than what we create, Eve. I always hope to be one of the people who sees that about you first. I gain so much more from you than our production could ever articulate. For this, I carry you everywhere. It is such an honor to live this life of shared lifting."

To close this reflection, I'd like to adapt Abdurraqib's words, if I may.

"We are so much more than what we message back and forth, friends. I always hope to be one of the people who sees that about you first. I gain so much more from you than our digital communication could ever articulate. For this, I carry you everywhere. It is such an honor to live this life of shared lifting."

Go ahead, hit reply or drop a comment. I could use the practice.